BYE 2021 & Hello 2022

This year has been a year of getting to know myself in a deeper level. I learned what triggers me and how to stop it before it gets worse,but most of all I learned to love myself.

My biggest mistake was letting people treat me however they wanted because I felt like I was unworthy. I thought I was lucky to have some people in my life even if they didn’t respect me. I didn’t want to be alone so I let a lot of things slide. (I am not saying that I didn’t hurt some people because I know that I did).

I decided in the middle of the year that it was time for me to work on myself. For me to start giving myself the love I want and need even if it means losing and replacing some people I want in my life.

This was the hardest journey I ever had to do because I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know how to love myself. So I started putting sticky notes on my mirrors with quotes, I started praying more and writing things I like about myself. Suddenly it got easier.

There’s still so much I have to work on but I am proud of how far I have gotten in this journey. When I started to love myself the void I once had became filled, and I no longer felt lonely. I stopped seeking external validation to feel worthy. I am not by any means cocky but I now know that I am a blessing also and any person will be lucky to have me in their life.

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”

Letting Go

Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.

One of hardest thing in this world is learning how to let go. Whether it is friendship,relationship,or family. We often believe that if we love them we have to keep holding on to them but that’s not the case.

If a person is draining you mentally and emotionally I feel it’s best to walk away, I know it’s easier said than done and I am not saying you need to stop loving them, But you can love them from afar.

The hardest thing I had to learn was that not everyone is here for a long time, and not everyone I love is good for me. Some people come to show you lessons and some people come into your life because they need that love and kindness for the moment,But almost everybody have an expiration date in your life.

I still find myself wearing my heart on my sleeves but I don’t regret it at all because yes I got hurt a lot and yes I had a lot of people walk in and out my life and I have also walked in and out of people life,but I have no regrets. I will never regret loving someone. I am a very sensitive person and I will never let pain turn me cold. I am learning to master letting go.I keep all the good memories and I take everything for what it is.

Letting go is about accepting what is happening right now and not worrying about what will come up tomorrow. I know that it’s not something that will happen overnight.

“To let go does not mean to get rid of. To let go means to let be. When we let be with compassion, things come and go on their own.”

Jack Kornfield

When I was younger Thanksgiving was amazing for me. My sisters and brothers would all come to my Parents house. My nieces and nephews will play in the other room while we dance, eat and talk. After we exchange gifts we will put the Christmas tree up together joking around and laughing.

Within the last few years, everything changed. Life happened and we all went our separate ways. The holidays to me are not the same anymore. I believe its for many reasons. One being i am an adult now and the other being My family isn’t the same anymore.

I have noticed that around November and December i feel alone. Yes i am married and i am very grateful because his family took me in and his mom treats me as if i was her daughter but i still have this empty feeling within my self. I miss my family.

Now that I’m done pouring my heart out.

I was doing some research and came across a article that said people tend to get depressed more during the holiday season. Theres many reasons why but some of the reasons that was listed was

  • Social isolation. Family being far away or thinking that you should lock yourself in the room because you are feeling down.
  • Slacking on self care: Yes i know that the holidays put a lot of pressure on us, and at time we tend to forget about our self and worry about everyone else. Lack of sleep also plays a big part in our moods.
  • Financial stress: Overextending yourself financially or struggling to afford gifts for your love ones can create a burden.
  • Unrealistic expectations: (This is definitely my issue)Having high hopes, or painting a picture in your head that everything is going to go perfect. Ask yourself if you are expecting to much from yourself or others.

I am a person who always deals with depression, sometimes it’s bad and sometimes its okay. But I have found some things that has been helping me cope especially during the holidays,i am hoping one or more of these things can help ya also.

  • Music: Take a deep breath and put some head phones on and play your favorite song(Mine is Heavy by Linklin park feat kiiarra)
  • Set realistic goals: Make a list and prioritize the important activities, make sure you not over working yourself. Let other share the the responsibilities if they ask.
  • If you are lonely try volunteering some time to help others.
  • Limit your drinking: Drinking brings out all your emotions, drinking to much will increase your depression and feelings.
  • Reach out make friends: Social media, school, and work are great ways to make friends.
  • Try to enjoy the moment: I know things can be overwhelming but try to take it all in, take pictures, laugh and make memories.
  • Dancing: (This one is a bonus for me) When i feel stressed or sad i tend to dance around my house. It goes hand in hand with music, Play your favorite song and dance.

“I found that with depression,one of the most important thing you could realize is that you’re not alone” _Dwayne Johnson

Just free writing.

I read a post this morning that said “Your feelings are valid.You have every right to feel whatever emotion you want.You are not dramatic,you are not over exaggerating. You are feeling and that’s okay”.

I feel like because people don’t understand your triggers or your depression they automatically feel they have the rights to dismiss how you feel. Just because they don’t see it as a big deal they think you should just “get over it”. Yes we are all humans but we don’t hurt the same. I have learned that people who suffer from depression like myself, tends to feel a little deeper, and from the people that are looking in they see it as being too sensitive.

I will be the first to admit I have lost alot of people due to my depression, and for a long time I use to question myself. But I came to realize that it’s okay to let people walk out. I can’t force people to understand because if I am being honest there’s time that I don’t even understand or know why I feel the way I do. People often use the word “depressed” to mean “sad,” but most people have a much broader range of symptoms than sadness.

From my experience I have found myself holding all my feelings in just because I didn’t want to be judge. I was always the life of the party,making people laugh and always outgoing but as soon as I’m alone I feel this big urge to cry. I noticed that covering it up only made it worse. I felt so alone and I felt that no one would understand me.

I remember how lost and damaged I was.I was on the urge of giving up. I came across a friend who I knew years ago(I am convinced god send them my way) This friend never gave up on me, even when I would tell them,they are wasting their time trying to save me. This friend taught me to embrace it all. The good and the bad.They always reminded me that it’s okay to not be okay all the time.This friend opened up a whole new perspective for me. For that I will be forever grateful. I just pray that some day I can do that for somebody. Because this friend really changed my life and brought light to my darkness.

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”